What is my truth when it comes to how things actually are when going down the path of self discovery? I am not going to call it problems or mistakes or decisions. Every barrier is equal. It's not the barrier itself that is the issue. Something popped me into this dimension and all of a sudden I am tasked to make my own road. Not only does my path involve making a road, I make the barriers, and lay them out, tripping over them, only to find out it wasn't a barrier at all, it was a pile of slippery goop. When I came to face the goop closely, it had many shapes and colours and was changing second to second. I became mesmerized by it, I became stuck to it. It spun me around and even erased my memory. When I was lucky enough to escape thee trance, and because I had no recollection of it, I had to go back and face the same goop again. A lot of the time I made the same barrier and laid it out in the same spot and tripped over it in the same way. I didn't even try to approach it from a different angle, or think to remove the barrier at all. Once I was so deep into the goop that I came to the end of it. At the end of it, there was this tiny light and it told me that if I focused on it, I could escape. This tiny light was my guide, it was my way out. The light only appears after some time, could be days and it used to be months. But once it shows itself, it tells me this place is only temporary and that there is a way out. These days it occurs sooner than later. Thank God. My goal now is to remember the little light more quickly. I'm not even close to removing the barrier in the first place. That would require a cause. Often, our causes are unknown for sometime.
To quickly explain what I mean above is, some of us (who want to be successful in life) like myself are harshly blinded due to mental blocks, mental health, brain fog, dark thoughts, adrenaline, a hundred hormone fluctuations a day, a hundred emotions a day, always changing. Nothings constant. Food sensitivities, sugar problems, body pain, mystery illness. If I started out on the path to self discovery when I was a teenager as a ripe fruit, barriers would look more like pebbles than goop. And when you got closer, they would actually be pebbles, not giant talking poker spiders that turn into flower power unicorns. As a ripe fruit, the brain and body works with a little less of life stacked on its plate.
I often think there is a general population that does not feel this way. They wake up with regular problems and do regular things and sometimes get ahead, regularly. For example often I hear people say, 'oh that smells nice'. What smells nice? I smell nothing. I don't smell the pine tree's like I did when I was ripe. When I feel regular (and I know what that feels like), I can smell things. Is this a normal part of humanity? I never hear people talking about this stuff. So I must assume it's not regular. Spending two hours writing and studying food and the brain and body just so you can wake up and obtain a 'fake sense of sanity' for the day, doesn't seem normal. My aim is to become a regular person, with regular problems.
I used to only have one good week in a month. More often now, I have 3 good weeks and one pretty bad week. This could be due to the lunar cycle, the feminine cycle or out of whack hormones. The cause? I used to care, but I don't anymore.
Some things I am doing to reduce the stack on my plate:
1. Eating less food, feeling hungry. Not eating requires little energy, less memory, less thought process and so this is why I believe this tool works for me. Hunger allows the brain to think and become aware. Chemicals in the brain change. When I can think and become aware, I become aware of the tools I have. When I recognize this tool, I use it as quickly as I can. New barriers are put up everyday and the chance of getting stuck in the goop again is high and fast.
2. One of my new habits is saying "It doesn't have to be so serious. This is supposed to be fun and life is supposed to be fun". This is very relaxing and can take me to the light of the goop that is going to help me out.
3. Once I follow the light out, I can reflect on my emotions. This is the time to stop anything I am doing and go deep. Getting to the bottom of it when my head is straight and somewhat clear is important. I use writing to reflect on my emotions. And after that a simple prayer and surrender to say I am not in control. Allowing myself to be open so I can access the tool, a higher level of being and belief. Then take action that is not sitting still and listening, but creating a new energy and emotion that will help me grow stronger roots into age.
Ultimately, life as a physical being has a lot to do with memory and the pineal gland and is something I would like to learn more about.
After years of taking action, I am beginning to feel more like ripe fruit. On some days. Living in the moment, taking action, overcoming obstacles and even getting excited about things. Emotion was something I thought was a thing of the past.
Life would be easier installing windshield wipers at GM for $28 an hour. If they gave me the chance and with my fear of facing the goop, I would take it. It feels like the goop never gets easier. Trying to live the perfect diet life is exhausting. Making art with this brain is exhausting. I am exhausted. But I never give up. This is the truth about the path of my self discovery. Never giving up is my only way out of the goop. It's the only way to making art and developing my craft product.